The Fear Of Loss
by Sxygrrl Huntress
Summary: --Complete Story Now Posted -- Emotions escalate in the Clocktower as as Helena's greatest fear comes to life. Can she handle it before it destroys her? Can Barbara?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer – I don't own the Birds Of Prey, this fan fiction is not for profit. I work for feedback.

Author: Sxygrrl Huntress

Title: The Fear of Loss

The Fear Of Loss 

Déjà vu all over again. Helena slumped in the chair, arms folded as she stared out the window. "This is the second time the court has sent you here, Helena," the therapist explained. "Why is it you are so resistant to seeking help? Anger management is for your own benefit, not mine." She continued. Slowly, deliberately, with her piercing blue eyes, Helena turned to face her newly, court appointed shrink.

"Believe me," she warned, narrowing her eyes to slits, "Anger managing is the only thing keeping me from destroying your office and making you eat those degrees on the wall," she hissed and then turned back to look out the window. The therapist tried not to look shaken but was unsuccessful in the task. She picked up her pen which she had dropped on the floor and proceeded to write on her notepad.

"Why don't you tell me about the incident that brought you here?" Dr. Saramen asked. Helena ignored the question but in a huff, got up from her chair and walked over to the wall displaying Dr. Saramen's credentials. She took one of the frames from the wall carefully and studied it in her hands, reading its words, absorbing them before a look of disgust engulfed her. _Humph!_ She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes yet again. 

"You work hard to get this?" Helena asked nonchalantly as she protectively carried the frame while walking toward the sunlight streaming through the open window. Dr. Saramen sat upright in her chair, apprehensive and pushed her dyed, blonde hair behind her ear, still trying to hide her unease. Helena looked her dead in the eyes, waiting for an answer. She didn't speak, but gave her patient a nod, indicating a _yes_. Helena smiled. Not just any smile. One full of anger… resentment… pain. She looked down at the sidewalk five stories below and carelessly tossed the frame out the window. Dr. Saramen's mouth dropped in horror, causing the curl on Helena's lips to grow even wider. "See how easily it can be taken away?" Helena sneers, carelessly walking back to her chair and once again slumping into it, leaving her shrink utterly speechless.

***

"So how was the session?" Dinah asked as Helena entered the Clock tower. Helena rolled her eyes and walked past the young girl and headed for Barbara, who was, as always, perched in front of her computer. She looked up when she saw Helena approach and immediately looked back at the monitor, not really acknowledging Helena at all. Things had been this way for almost two weeks and it hurt Helena, deeply. Barbara was bottling her feelings and not sharing them with anyone. Getting a dose of herself shoved back in her face really annoyed Helena. Worse yet, made her want to cry.

Barbara was always there for Helena. After her mom was murdered, the only person Helena had in this world was Barbara and even though she didn't admit it often, she needed Barbara, and didn't want to live without her in her life. She had to cope with too much loss as it was, she wasn't about to live through more. No. She couldn't lose any more people in her life.

Helena stood beside her mentor, waiting for some sort of recognition but it never came. Barbara continued to type on her keyboard, eyes never leaving the screen. Helena could feel her heart sinking but she kept that to herself, and tried to pretend she never noticed the distance in Barbara. "What's new on Delphi?" Helena broke the silence, "I'm in the mood to kick a little ass today." She forced a smile.

Barbara glanced up at the younger woman who was desperately trying to reach out to her but Barbara couldn't offer her what she needed. "I'm just doing research," Barbara finally spoke to her. "Nothing for you to be concerned over," she continued, forcing a smile of her own. "If I have anything to report, I'll let you know. Why don't you and Dinah take the day off?" she suggested with little enthusiasm.

"Take the day off? Barbara? Are you feeling okay?" Dinah interjected. "I mean you _did just tell Helena to take the day off. This is Helena we're talking about here." Dinah hadn't picked up on Barbara's moods but Helena knew them all too well. Barbara was turning into her, and Helena didn't like what she was seeing. She shot Dinah a look but her face softened slightly, wishing she could go back to feeling so naïve. Dinah had lost her mother as well but unlike Helena, she never withdrew from others. She was not afraid to love her new family, to reach out to them, and was not afraid to accept the love in return. A lesson both Barbara and Helena had troubles grasping._

Barbara stopped typing and turned her chair to face Dinah, smiling softly at the young girl. "I have some work I need to do Dinah and you two could use a day off," Barbara tried her best to look cheerful. "Why don't you go to No Man's Land and see how Gibson is doing?" she suggested. Helena moved closer to Dinah to get a better look at Barbara but once again she didn't get what she wanted. Barbara instantly turned back round and there was no mistaking that she was purposely ignoring Helena.

Dinah on the other hand, had not picked up on this. "Why don't you come with us?" she asked with a hopeful grin. "I know you could use a day off too," she tried to convince her guardian. "It'll be fun!" she continued, "You, me and Helena can get out there and kick some butt in pool. Gibson thinks he's so good at the game. I know you can beat him Barbara." 

_Sweet Dinah_, Helena thought. The more the kid talked, the more Helena wanted to cry. Her face dropped when Barbara once again shifted her position so that her back was to Helena, which made Helena want the attention all the more. "Thank you Dinah but I really have to finish this research," Barbara explained. "You go, and have fun," she finished, her tone indicating that the conversation was over. Dinah grumbled and tried to use her puppy dog pout to get her way but it was no use, Barbara had made up her mind.

"Guess it's just us," Dinah turned to Helena, and instantly the puppy dog pout turned to a look of concern. "Is something wrong?" she asked her older 'sister', catching Helena wiping a single tear from her eye. Helena quickly regained her stature and rolled her eyes at the kid, choosing to give a sarcastic remark.

"Of course I'm okay," she snapped defensively. "Not too thrilled about spending the day with you though," she continued, this time showing a hint of a smile to show Dinah that she was merely teasing. Dinah stuck out her tongue and in response, Helena shook her head. _Sweet Dinah_, she thought again.

Dinah headed for the elevator but Helena paused, wanting to take advantage of the private moment. "Barbara?" she said softly, almost in a question.

"Have a good time," Barbara responded, her shoulders stiffening, a strong indication that she didn't want to talk. Helena wiped another tear from her eye, and abided. She headed for the elevator, shoulders drooping, and sadness engulfing her. _What is going on with you Barbara?_ Helena wondered silently. Once the elevator door closed, Barbara removed her glasses and burst into tears. Pain welling up in her heart, loneliness surrounded her. She leaned on the desk and rested her head on her hand, her body convulsing slightly as she wallowed in her own pain, tears hitting the keyboard. 

"I swear I'll kill you," she said, straightening up, determined to keep that promise. And this time, no one was going to stop her. She ripped her tear-soaked keyboard from the computer and threw it across the room, shattering a ceramic statue that once decorated the tower. Barbara didn't care. The only thought on her mind was murder.


	2. Chapter 2

"I really don't want to play, Dinah," she explained as the kid thrust a pool cue in her hand.  Helena was shutting herself off from having any fun.  She stood poised, on guard, careful that all emotions were in check.  She mistakenly let a tear slip when Dinah was watching earlier, she was careful not to let that happen again.  

Dinah set aside her own cue and a goofy grin spread across her face.  "Come on Helena, I'll even give you a chance," she smiled.  "I won't even use a stick.  Watch."  With that, Dinah concentrated on the cue ball and in moments, it zipped across the table, breaking apart the neatly arranged balls and a striped one fell in the pocket.  "Cool!  I'm stripes!" she announced and looked over to her big sister to make the next shot. Helena stared at the kid, in mild disbelief.  

"What am I going to do with you?" she raised her hands in mock defeat.

"Umm?  Take your best shot?" Dinah volunteered, still giddy over her break.  "Aim for a solid one."  Helena had no intentions of playing but for lack of anything better, she took her cue stick, covered the tip with chalk and lined up to sink the easiest solid one she could see.  She leaned over the table, her long, leather jacket not interfering in the slightest.  The jacket was like a second skin to her.  Helena lined up her shot, moved the cue stick back and forth in her hands, preparing to release when a voice piped up from behind, causing her to miss and she ripped the felt on the table as the voice pierced her ears.  She slammed the stick down on the table, cracking it in half. 

"Gibson!" Helena snapped, "I am _not_ your little peach pit!" 

"Scratch!" Dinah snickered and Helena's eyes changed with her feline frenzy, into catlike slits.  Dinah was taken aback.  

"What?" she asked, the smirk quickly fading from her face.  "You know, Barbara did say you aren't allowed to use superpowers to settle arguments," Dinah explained with childlike glee.  Huntress did not share in the same sentiment.  

"I don't give a damn _what _Barbara wants," Helena scoffed as she shoved past Gibson, causing him to spill the drinks in his hand.  "She obviously doesn't give a damn about me!"  

Dinah and Gibson looked at each other with recoil and then towards Huntress.  She headed for the door but stopped only for a moment, grabbed a shot glass from a customer's hand and downed it huff.  The man stared at her but didn't say a word.  No one messes with Huntress.  Gibson looked down at the liquid all over his shirt and moved closer to Dinah.  He set the glasses on the table and tried his best to wring out the contents from his sweater.  

Dinah watched as a pale orange liquid dripped into one of the cups.  When no more moisture would escape from his shirt, Gibson held up the glass in front of him, studied it and smiled at Dinah, pushing the glass towards her.  "Fruity beverage?" he offered.  She scrunched her face at him and then walked off, in search of Helena.

***

Huntress paced back and forth on the desolate rooftop, talking aloud.  "How can she do this to me?" she asked, wiping a tear from her eye and flinging her hair back with a quick motion of her head.  "Why?" she begged to know but no one was there to give her the answer.  Helena stepped over to the ledge and climbed up on the 8 inch wide barrier.  She balanced dangerously on the edge and didn't care that it was a ten story drop.  Too far a fall to survive should she slip. Loneliness hung heavily in her heart and she had nothing left to lose.  

She thought back to the day her mother was ripped from her and all Helena could do was watch helplessly as her blood poured out of the open wound, soaking the concrete.  She cried out for her mother but her lifeless body lay limp in her arms.  Helena's tears mixed in with the rain and her cries of anguish fell on deaf ears.  "Somebody stop him," she begged but no one would listen.  Helena's world crashed around her as she witnessed the last gasps of breath escape from her mother's mouth.  And with that, Selina Kyle, the infamous Catwoman, was dead.

"Noooo!!!!" Huntress cried out in the night, jolting Barbara from her sleep.  Her eyes darted around quickly, trying to get a grasp on where she was and finally realized that she had fallen asleep in front of her computer, head slumped on the desk.  Barbara's heart raced as she was ripped from her sleep and realized that Huntress had shouted out, her comm. set still turned on.  She reached for her keyboard and remembered that it was across the room, broken, just like her.  Huntress continued to shout but instead of responding, Barbara ignored her friend, her family.

"Why did you leave me?" Huntress's voice filled with anguish as it tore through the silence.  "You are all I have left!"  Barbara listened intently, stone-faced as she ignored Helena's desperate plea.  Huntress couldn't take it.  She danced dangerously on the side of the building and with a tortured soul, she let herself fall.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Dinah wandered the dark streets looking for Helena.  She knew of a few buildings that Helena liked to perch on top of.  _Hmm,_ she thought to herself.  _I'm supposed to be a daughter of a Canary and Huntress is the one that can fly!  The daughter of a cat???  Dinah lifted her head, tilting it all the way back until she was looking at the night sky and hoping to see a silhouette of Huntress cast through the light of the moon.  __Oh this is useless! She thought as she craned her neck trying to see.  _I wonder_…  Dinah stared intently at her feet, willing them to move with her mind but they would not obey.  _If I can move things with my mind, why can't I make my feet move?_ She wondered, scrunching up her nose.  She finally gave up, realizing that she can make something fly across the room but that something did not include her, no matter how hard she stared at her feet.  She let out a heavy sigh and continued on her mission._

Barbara was momentarily puzzled when Huntress's communicator went silent but once again, ignored it.  She bowed her head in self-pity and let her chin drop to her chest.  A single tear fell to her lap but that was all.  She was spent.  "I can't help you," she said aloud, knowing full well Helena could not hear her because Barbara had turned off the two-way communicator.  She didn't want to talk to Huntress.  Not now.  She wondered silently when she would want to talk to her again after what had happened.  "I shouldn't have listened to you!" she shouted at the one-way communicator but stopped herself before she threw that across the room.  "Damn you!" she cursed.

The cold air gave Dinah chills but she pressed on.  "Oracle?  Are you there?" she asked after touching her necklace, switching the communicator on.  "Oracle?"

Barbara sighed, not wanting to deal with this.  "What is it Dinah?" 

"Huntress took off and I'm trying to find her.  Can you locate her for me?" Dinah requested.  Under normal circumstances, she would leave Huntress alone but after the events that had occurred, she felt the need to keep a close eye on her family.  "Has she reported in to you?" she wondered with a touch of concern creeping from her voice.

"No Dinah, she hasn't reported in to me," Barbara explained.  She wasn't lying but she also wasn't exactly telling her the truth. What was she going to say?  That Helena cried out in anguish and she ignored her?  No.  It was best to keep that from Dinah.  _Sweet Dinah._  

Dinah's shoulders slumped a little and she sighed.  "I'm getting worried about her, Oracle.  She just took off from me and I need to know that she's okay.  She was really angry and just took off."

"So what else is new?" Barbara snapped, unintentionally.  

"Well can you at least check Delphi and locate her so I don't have to wander the streets all night?" Dinah practically begged, growing more concerned by the minute.  "Please?"

"Sure, Dinah, hold on."  Barbara paused and took a deep breath.  She couldn't very well tell Dinah that she threw her keyboard across the room so instead; she kept her waiting and making the girl think she was looking up the information.  "Nothing is coming up yet, Dinah," she lied.  "Give me a few minutes and I'll get back to you, okay?"

Dinah bought her story.  "Okay," she responded, and waited patiently.  Barbara turned her wheelchair and headed towards the supply closet just off the kitchen and retrieved a new keyboard.  She rebooted her system and once back online, the new keyboard was fully functional and she tapped on the keys, soon bringing up a map on the monitor.  A few more clicks and she targeted the area and quickly pinpointed the area where Huntress was.  

"Dinah?" Barbara asked over her comm. set.

"Go ahead, Oracle," she replied, anxiously.

"Huntress is at the intersection of Seventh and Wilson.  You'll find her there," Barbara explained.  She stared at the screen curiously, "She hasn't moved for a while," she finished.  Dinah once again turned down her comm. set and headed off for the building.  

When she arrived, what she saw made her heart sink to the pit of her stomach.  Huntress was not moving.  Dinah ran over to the listless body and shouted in concern, "Oh my God, Huntress!"  She was about to reach out but found her face being met with a powerful right cross, sending her flying across the rooftop.  Dinah immediately covered her face as Huntress was on her, ready for a second attack.  She clenched her fist for another strike but stopped when she heard Dinah scream.

"Huntress!  It's me!" Dinah cried, trying to protect herself from the powerful predator.  Huntress's fist stopped in mid air, moments before it connected with the young girl.  Confused, Huntress stepped back and her feline eyes retorted back to their usual human appearance.  "Please, Helena!" Dinah sobbed, "Don't hit me!"  Huntress stared at her victim, battered, but not broken and came back to reality.

"Dinah," she breathed as she realized what she had just done.  Helena moved in closer, this time Dinah didn't flinch.  "Dinah!  What are you doing here?" Helena reached for the girl and pulled her to a sitting position on the cold concrete of the roof.  The younger girl sobbed as the pain now erupted and her eye was on fire, sending shooting pains into her head.  She gripped her head as tears unwillingly flowed.  "Oh Dinah," Helena cried, "I'm so sorry!  I didn't know it was you," she explained, "I'm so sorry!"  Guilt filled her to the core.

"I'm sorry I snuck up on you," Dinah wallowed, remembering a time when Helena explained to Dinah to never sneak up on her.  Her reflexes were too quick and she nailed Dinah without meaning to.  Dinah's body tensed in pain.  Helena moved closer and pulled the young girl in a fierce hug and held on for dear life.

Helena cradled the girl in her arms and rocked back and forth.  "I'm so sorry," she cried, self-hatred washing over her.  "I didn't mean to, please be okay.  You have to be okay!" she begged as she held on tight.  Dinah struggled out of Helena's grip, fearing something was wrong.

"Huntress!" she shouted, breaking the woman's trance.  They met eye to eye and Dinah realized that Helena was still somewhat out of it.  "Helena," she said a little more softly, reaching out to stroke her cheek and wipe away the tears.  "I'm okay," she reassured, despite her intense pain.  Embarrassed, Helena pulled away and wiped her tears quickly.  

"You need to get some ice on your eye," Helena explained, squaring her shoulders and her face expressionless.  Dinah struggled to stand and Helena was quick to help her.  She put her arm around the younger girl and together they walked to the clock tower which was only four blocks away.

Most of the walk was spent in silence but Dinah had to know.  She asked Helena the question that was plaguing her mind.  "Why were you crying before?" she asked softly, which caused Helena to stop mid-stride.  She turned curiously at the younger girl with gentle eyes, but ignored the question.  Dinah could see that she was deep in thought and she decided not to press the subject.  They walked the remaining distance to the clock tower.

Dinah leaned against the wall as Huntress punched in the access code to the security system.  They made their way to the elevator and the second it started to move, Dinah gripped her stomach and head simultaneously, feeling very motion sick.  She moaned softly and Helena held her a little tighter, keeping her from sinking to her knees.  "Almost there kid, almost there," she reassured.

The elevator hit the top floor and the door opened wide.  Helena was momentarily taken aback as she saw Barbara near the elevator, waiting for them.  She took one look at Dinah and shouted, "Helena!  How could you?"  Barbara's face filled with disgust and Helena recoiled.  "Jesus!  Don't you have any control over yourself?" she snapped and reached out for Dinah.

"It wasn't her…" Dinah tried to speak but a very angry Barbara cut her off.

"It's never her fault!" she spewed in anger, throwing Helena a deadly look.  Helena met her eyes for a moment before she dropped them in shame.

"I'll get some ice," Helena mumbled, looking defeated. 

"You've done enough," Barbara continued her abuse.  "Why don't you just leave?" she snorted.  Helena met her gaze while Barbara's eyes burned with rage.  "Now," Barbara demanded, dangerously.  Helena's fought back tears as she moved to the elevator, saying nothing.

As the door closed and she looked up one more time to meet a final look from Barbara.  She was devoid of all caring, of all love.  Helena waited for the doors to completely slam shut before sinking to the ground, once again tears engulfing her.  "I'm all alone," she sobbed, her soul ripping into a million pieces.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Dinah sat on the couch as she waited for Barbara.  She returned with a first aid kit and an ice pack.  "Lie down," she told Dinah.  "This will help with the swelling," Barbara explained with softness in her voice that she was unable and unwilling to share with Helena.

"It really was an accident, Barbara," Dinah said, shrugging off the ice pack so she could look Barbara in the eyes.  "I snuck up on her and she just reacted.  She didn't mean it."  Dinah was near tears.  Not from her eye but from the pain Helena must have felt when Barbara yelled at her.  Barbara replaced the ice pack and held it in place until Dinah accepted it willingly and held onto it herself.

Several minutes passed and neither women said a word.  Barbara prepared the stitches for the small cut above Dinah's eye which was caused from Helena's ring.  Dinah sat bravely as Barbara sewed up the wound as neatly as she could so Dinah would have little, if any, scaring.  Normally such tasks were reserved for Alfred, who frequently would patch up Bruce Wayne but he was in England handling some personal business.  Barbara really didn't mind stitching Dinah up, for she had had plenty of practice herself at the procedure.  Dinah flinched slightly, but put on a brave face, not wanting Barbara to get more upset.

"Do you want a painkiller?" Barbara asked as she went to replace the ice pack.  Dinah reached out to take it but instead, grabbed Barbara's hand and let her mind travelled to the visions of black and white, the colorless world she saw when she used her Meta human power.  She entered Barbara's mind and saw a flash of Barbara slumped on the ground, crumpled in Helena's arms, crying.  The next flash was of Helena striking out and kicking an unfortunate victim who curled helplessly in a ball on the ground as she pressed on with the attack.

Barbara realized what Dinah was doing and quickly yanked her hand away.  "I'm sorry," Dinah quickly apologized, knowing how Barbara felt about her using Dinah powers on her.  Barbara sighed heavily out of frustration and bit her tongue to keep from saying something she didn't want to say.  Instead, she packed up the first aid supplies, meticulously placing each item in its spot and set them aside.  She reached for the blanket that was at the foot of the couch and covered Dinah without saying another word to her.  She leaned over and kissed the young girl on the forehead and left to sit out on the balcony, alone.  Dinah closed her eyes and winced at the pain of the wound.  She knew she would be sporting a black eye by morning.

***

The sun broke through the morning sky and Helena found that she had wandered the streets all night.  She couldn't go back to the clock tower and she didn't want to go to her apartment.  Following her subconscious, she was surprised to discover where it had led her.  Helena sat on the stairs of the cement steps, waiting for someone to open the door and let her in.  She waited for over an hour, the sun getting brighter and brighter as her mood became quite the opposite.  Finally the moment she was waiting for had arrived.  A woman approached her curiously.

"Helena, I'm surprised to see you here," she said as Helena rose to her feet.  The woman looked into Helena's eyes and saw the unmistakable look of someone who had been crying for some time.  Helena's eyes were red and puffy and a sadness emitted from them that would break anyone's heart.  "You weren't scheduled today," she softly informs her client.

Helena didn't like her current feeling of vulnerability and second-guessed her decision.  "No, we didn't," she said firmly.  "I made a mistake, I'll see you later," she finished quickly and jumped down the steps but as she tried to run, she found herself caught in a vice-like grip from Dr. Saramen.  She grabbed Helena's arm and didn't let go but loosened her grip when Helena didn't pull away.

"I don't have any appointments Helena.  Why don't you come upstairs?" Dr. Saramen spoke gently, sensing Helena's desperate need to flee.  She held up a paper bag she carried in her left hand and continued.  "Breakfast special for two," she smiled, "Would you join me?"

Helena pulled out of her grip but didn't run.  "Why are you being nice to me?" she demanded to know, remembering how well their last encounter went when Helena had tossed her precious diploma out the window, destroying it.  

Dr. Saramen smiled, "It's just breakfast Helena.  You won't think I'm so nice once I send you the therapy bill."  Helena's face dropped for a moment and finally a smile erupted.  Her therapist looked pleased.  "Now that's more like it," she said, handing Helena the bag.  "Let's go upstairs."

***

Barbara tossed and turned, nightmares plaguing her.  She could not escape the feelings of hurt and betrayal, nor did she try.  She let herself sink deeper and deeper into depression and did nothing to stop herself.  She didn't care.  She was focused on her goal, nothing more.  Barbara rose from her bed, used her arms to pull herself into her wheelchair and headed for the kitchen, but stopped when she saw Dinah, still asleep on the couch.  The blanket half hung on the floor.  Quietly, Barbara approached and covered Dinah.  She studied her eye and although the swelling had gone down, a dark circle surrounded the tender tissue.  Anger once again found its way into Barbara.  She clenched her teeth tightly and left for the kitchen.

***

Helena gulped down the food hungrily as Dr. Saramen studied her patient's body language.  Helena could feel her eyes on her and instead of looking up to confirm that fact, Helena stopped just as she was about to take another bite of bagel and said, "I appreciate the breakfast but if you want a show, go to the theatre."  Her therapist quickly darted her eyes away, realizing that her sly attempt at studying her patient backfired.  _This one is definitely a challenge, she realized._

They sat in silence until Helena was done eating.  When she finished, Helena dumped the garbage in the trash bin and walked back over the wall with the diplomas.  Dr. Saramen sat upright.  Helena smiled slightly and turned back to the doctor.  "Helena?  You aren't going to make another of my diplomas fly out the window, are you?" she leaned forward.  "I worked too hard for them to go splat on the sidewalk."  Helena shifted her weight uncomfortably, knowing that she was wrong in her actions but feeling no regret.  She shook her head no and the therapist relaxed back in her chair.  "Why don't you sit down and tell me what brought you to my doorstep so early today?"  Dr. Saramen didn't want to push but she had to start somewhere.

Helena flipped herself over the chair and landed squarely on the seat, legs loosely hung over the armrest.  She opened her mouth to speak but quickly closed it again, not allowing herself to fall into a trap and open up.  The doctor witnessed the transformation but there was little she could do.  Until Helena was willing to accept the hand extended to her, there was little anyone could do for her.  Her tough exterior was deadly but the red eyes showed a vulnerability that Helena was not yet ready to be confronted on.  "I was in the neighbourhood," Helena joked, but neither of the women laughed.  "Just thought I'd save myself the trip and have my next appointment now."  Dr. Saramen stared her down and Helena shifted positions, feeling very naked at the moment.

"Why don't you try the honest approach, Helena?  I'm here to help you.  You've been up all night, why don't you tell me what happened," she pressed and defiantly, Helena jumped from her chair and walked out the door without a word.  _Guess I pushed her too quickly, the therapist realized.  _

Helena slammed her fist through the hallway wall in frustration and didn't even flinch as the skin ripped from her knuckles.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Barbara?" Dinah called out as she awoke.  "Are you here?"  She sat up and wiped the sleep from her eyes, flinching as she touched the bruised one.  She carefully touched the area and tested how hard she could touch before it hurt.  She discovered rather quickly that the slightest touch sent a shock wave of pain into her sinus, which was hidden directly behind the bruise.

Barbara exited the kitchen, carrying a tray on her lap and stopped her wheelchair in front of Dinah and placed the breakfast and juice on the table for her.  Dinah inhaled deeply at the aroma.  "Did you cook?" she asked surprised.

Barbara squinted her eyes.  "Yes," she drawled, "I do know how to cook, you know."  Dinah snickered and reached for her plate and took a bite of her jam-covered toast and nodded in approval.  Barbara picked up the additional plate and together they ate their breakfast.  Barbara couldn't help but stare at the black eye and Dinah could sense what she was doing, even if she wasn't looking at her.

"It wasn't her fault, Barbara," Dinah said once swallowing the bite that she had in her mouth.  Barbara turned away for a moment and clenched her teeth.  "Please can you forgive her," Dinah begged.  She hated when there was tension in her family.  It brought her back to the terrible days of when her foster family would fight and take it out on her.  Dinah wanted to cry at the memory and panicked at the thought of Helena and Barbara fighting.  

Barbara could see the pain in Dinah's eyes.  A pain that had nothing to do with the bruise.  There was a sadness hidden there and Barbara knew she had to suck it up and work things out with Helena.  "Alright Dinah, I'll tell her to drop by this afternoon, okay?"  Dinah smiled, happy at the thought.  She still looked up to Helena, almost a hero-worship and really wanted to let Helena know that she was okay.  She knew how much Helena would blame herself and Dinah didn't want that on her head.  She wondered why Barbara was being so harsh but one thing she learned is that Barbara is just as secretive and wouldn't share her feelings until she was ready.  _Great, I live with two stubborn people, Dinah sighed, but she wouldn't trade them in for the world._

***

Helena squinted her eyes to the growing sunlight.  She was happy to have a full breakfast in her stomach but not happy with the way she was feeling.  Helena was torn by the fact that she wanted to reach out to Dr. Saramen.  Flashbacks of her trust in Harley Quinn, her previous therapist, plagued her.  Helena poured out her heart to this woman and she used all that information to rip their lives apart.  For the most part, Helena came out unscathed but Barbara was the one that had suffered.  If Helena hadn't opened her mouth, Wade would still be alive.  Helena would never forgive herself.  And she couldn't blame Barbara if she never forgave her either.

The anxiety Helena felt at Dr. Saramen's office upset her.  Helena wanted to reach out.  She found that she had to consciously stop herself from doing so.  _What is going on with me? Helena wondered.  Her natural defences to withdraw didn't seem to be working and Helena didn't like that.  She vowed to never open up to anyone after everything that went on.  The thought of causing Barbara any pain ate at her, it tore at her soul.  She would not do that to Barbara again, she couldn't._

"Huntress, it's Oracle.  Do you copy?" she asked over the communication set.  Huntress put her hand to her ear and was surprised to hear Barbara at the other end.  _Show no fear, she said to herself.  She may have been hurting due to Barbara but equally, she didn't want her to see her vulnerable._

"What is it, Oracle?" Huntress responded, sounding busy.

Barbara gritted her teeth to conceal her frustration with her partner.  "Can you drop by the lair this afternoon?" she asked.

"But I thought… uh… sure," Helena stumbled, suddenly nervous about what Barbara wanted to discuss.  She frowned slightly when Barbara explained that Dinah had wanted her to come by.  Well it was better than nothing, she thought.  Helena turned down the volume on the comm. set and took a shortcut through the alley.  A scream interrupted her walk.

"Somebody stop him!" a woman shouted.  Helena looked around rapidly, shaken up at the memory that instantly flashed before her eyes.  _Somebody stop him! She heard herself shout as she held her dying mother in her arms.  Her heart pounded like mad and adrenalin raced through her body.  Helena was frozen with fear.  _Mom, you have to be okay, you have to._  Tears slowly formed in Helena's eyes as the nightmare would not go away.  She stared at the ground, almost visualizing her mother, lying there, her life slipping away into the darkness.  "Somebody stop him!" she cried again.  Helena was helpless and trapped by the memory but she finally snapped back to attention when she realized a woman was screaming, that it was not just her own voice in her head.  Suddenly a man ran by her, nearly knocking her over._

"What the…?" Helena jolted and saw a thug carrying a woman's purse.  She pounced into action and grabbed the man, throwing him into the wall.  She picked up the purse and strolled over to the thief, tossing it casually in her hands.  "I don't know," she snarled, "It's just not your color," she finished before he passed out from the blow to the wall.  "I hate it when they have no endurance," she commented and turned around to see the woman behind her.

"Oh, thank you!" she exclaimed and threw her arms around Helena in appreciation.  Helena recoiled, the gesture making her incredibly awkward.  The woman reached into her purse and tried to hand Helena some money but she refused, after all, it was all part of the job.  "Well at least let me give you something to thank you," she continued and she placed a keychain in the palm of her hand.  Helena accepted the gift and the woman walked away, smiling.  When she was out of view, Helena examined her gift.  The keychain was in the shape of a heart with words written on it.

Helena collapsed to the ground, her legs buckling from sheer emotion.  On the keychain, the words said, "A mother's love never dies."  Helena broke down into tears, her arms wrapped around herself and she clenched the keychain close to her heart.  Anguish overwhelmed her and the tears wouldn't stop.  _I'm so sorry! She cried.  __Please forgive me.  She rocked back and forth trying to bring comfort but it never came.  The arms wrapped around were her own.  She was all alone in the abandoned alley.  No one to hold her as she cried, to wipe her tears and remind her that she was not alone, that she was in fact loved.  Helena sobbed quietly, her heart shattered._

***

"Is she dropping by?" Dinah asked, approaching Barbara as studied a blip on the Delphi monitor.  A map was displayed on the screen and it pin-pointed Helena's exact location.  Barbara jumped when she saw Dinah standing beside her.  She took off her head phones and dropped them on the desk.

"Sorry Dinah, I didn't hear you approach," she said, and quickly turned off the monitor, making Dinah suspicious.

"What was that?" she asked, boldly switching the monitor back on.  Barbara's eyes grew wide at Dinah impetuousness.  "Is that Helena?" she wanted to know.

Barbara sighed heavily, showing her annoyance.  "Yes Dinah, it is Helena.  Now is there something else I can do for you or are you going to let me go back to work?"  Dinah hunched her shoulders in embarrassment, regretting interfering with Barbara's work.  

"Sorry," she mumbled, her face now flushed.  Barbara could have eased her embarrassment but decided to teach Dinah a lesson.  She was a kid, after all, and she couldn't be in Barbara's business all of the time.  

Barbara changed her tone and answered Dinah's question.  "Yes, she's dropping by.  In fact, I'll go and make some lunch for us."  She turned her chair and headed for the kitchen and shouted over her shoulder, "You stay out of trouble!"  Dinah smiled, knowing that she couldn't make that promise.  The moment Barbara that was out of sight, Dinah picked up the headset and listened.  At first she didn't hear anything but after a few seconds, heard the distinct sound of someone sniffling, of someone crying.  She turned the volume up but found it was at the top level.  Instinctively she covered her ears with her hands to get better sound from the headset.  

Dinah heard the girl crying and wondered who Helena was with.  Her heart ached listening to the girl sobbing and Dinah wanted to reach through the monitor and give the blip on the screen a hug.  Dinah listened intently, unable to tear herself away and desperately wanting to comfort the girl that Helena was with.  She was so wrapped up in the emotion that she didn't see Barbara watching her from the kitchen doorway, fire burning in her eyes from Dinah's interference.  She moved until she was about 5 feet behind the nosey girl and waited.  Dinah wiped a single tear from her eye and then removed the headset.  Her heart couldn't take hearing any more.  She placed it back, just how Barbara had left it.  Dinah stood up and turned around.

"Oh gosh!" she shrieked and her hand swiftly moved to her chest, a reflex.  She clutched her rapidly beating heart.  Barbara didn't say a word, she let the fire in her eyes do all the talking.  Dinah's mouth opened slightly as if to speak but felt the wiser, considering the look on Barbara's face.  She backed away from the desk and silently walked to her room, wanting to avoid any further confrontation.

Barbara panicked inside.  _She knows I was listening to __Helena__ crying and I didn't do anything, she thought.  How __much did she hear? Barbara wondered, feeling a pang of guilt and mild disgust that she was being this way.  But flashbacks of Wade entered her mind and the guilt once again repressed itself_.  She's the one that should feel guilty,_ she reminded herself, and it was Helena's fault he died.  She flicked off the monitor, not wanting to see the blip on the screen any longer._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

As Helena sat on the sidewalk sobbing, three large men approached Huntress.  They looked at her leeringly.  "Well lookie here boys," one said as they began to circle her, "Looks like we found us some dessert."  She could smell his rank breath moving in closer.  The sense of danger caused her eyes to change but she paused for a moment to wipe the tears that flooded them.  In that moment of distraction, two of the men lunged for Huntress and she fell flat on her back.  They grabbed for her arms and held her down as the third man looked at her hungrily.  

"No need to cry there, little one," another of the men spoke, his rotting teeth repulsive, causing Helena to gag.  She hated them seeing her cry, but it was about to be the last thing they saw.  

The man standing now crouched down and moved closer to Huntress.  "I like it when they cry," he smiled, licking his lips.  "Shows them who's in control."  Huntress let him approach and stopped struggling with the other two men.  "See boys, just gotta show them who's boss."  He looked at her intently and then noticed the keychain that had fallen out of her hand.  He picked it up.  "A mother's love never dies.  Aw, how sweet," he mocked, "We got us a real gem here, boys.  And I think she'll like the jewels I have for her."  He grabbed himself suggestively and then climbed on top of Huntress.  A scream erupted and the men holding Huntress's arms let go and looked at one another, shocked at what had just happened.

The man that had climbed on top of her now toppled over on the ground, clutching his precious jewels, screaming in pain.  She rose dangerously to her feet and kicked him once more for good measure, cracking a rib in the process.  "I think you better go back to the pawn shop," her eyes traveled downward, "those jewels are worthless," she smugly replied and left him in agony to go after the other men. 

They started to run the moment she broke their friend's ribs, rightfully fearing for their lives.  She caught up to them with little effort and flew overtop of them and landed square in front.  They skidded to a stop and tried to retreat but she grabbed each guy with one hand, smashed them into one another and then outward, both flying in opposite directions until they came in contact with walls of the buildings on either side.  Both hit the wall with tremendous impact and the sound of broken bones once again apparent.  One fell unconscious; the other writhed in pain on the concrete where he landed.   

Huntress picked up her keychain, slipped it in her pocket and sauntered off.  Strangely, she was thankful for the attack because it gave her the adrenaline she needed to be able to face going to the clock tower.  She wanted to see Barbara, wanted desperately to talk to her but instinctively she knew that would not happen, not today, not for a long time.  Helena shook her head in mock defeat, tortured by the realizations of what Barbara thought of her.  _How am I going to get through this?_ She asked herself as she headed down the streets.  She stopped for a moment, thinking she had heard something over her comm. set but there was no response.  Must be the wind, she laughed, wondering if she had lost her mind.  Helena stopped short and eyes grew wide as she rounded the corner and bumped into a familiar face.

Helena was immediately defensive.  "Are you following me?" she questioned, grabbing the woman by the shirt.  She was too surprised to respond so Helena asked again, "Well?  Are you?  Answer me!"  Aggression built in Helena and she fought to keep her eyes from changing and giving herself away.

"Helena, please," the woman begged, trying to get Helena to loosen her grip.  "I was just on my way for lunch," she explained, "I always eat at the diner on Maple Street," she pointed at the neon sign in the near distance.  She looked down at the hold Helena had and motioned with her eyes, silently asking her to let go.  Helena complied.

"Sorry," she said and she straightened Dr. Saramen's shirt.  "I'm having a bad day."  She looked down at the ground.  Dr. Saramen reached out and took Helena's hand, raising it so she could get a better look.  The knuckles were still covered with dried blood from where she had punched though the wall earlier that morning.  Helena didn't care, she had too many other things to worry about.  Surprisingly to Dr. Saramen, Helena didn't pull away as she held her hand.  As much as it surprised her, it shocked the hell out of Helena.  

"You really need to clean this wound before it gets infected," the therapist spoke softly, trying to soothe an obviously tormented Helena.  "Will you let me help you?" she asked, her eyes staring directly into Helena's.  She felt the pain gather in her heart yet again, the adrenaline diminishing, but she didn't pull away.  Silent tears began to well up in Helena's eyes_.  I watched my mom die!_ She wanted to scream, to desperately rid herself of that vision, of the torture.  _My mom_… Helena cried, she couldn't hide the tears, she no longer cared.  Dr. Saramen pulled Helena closer and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, giving Helena the hug she was desperately needing.

Helena responded and allowed herself to be comforted, but only for a moment.  Visions of Harley crossed her mind, her betrayal, how she used Helena to hurt the only person left that cared about her; Barbara.  Helena felt a twinge of guilt.  She wanted to trust Harley and the moment she opened up, her words became weapons.  And ultimately, her words became Wade's death sentence.  _I can't do this again!_ She yelled to herself.  _NO!_  She shoved Dr. Saramen, breaking the embrace and left her as she slammed against the wall behind her.  Helena took off running and once out of view, jumped onto the fire escape and made her way across the rooftops, heading for the clock tower.  _I won't let you down again, Barbara, she told herself.  __Never.  _

***

The elevator opened and Helena hesitantly walked out, unsure of the atmosphere she was approaching.  Her usual air of confidence vanished and walking into what was her second home now made her feel like an unwanted guest.  She cautiously glided to the center of the room.  "Hello?" she called out, carefully.  "Is anyone here?"  A cheerful voice shouted from the top of the stairs.

"Oh!  Helena!  I'll be right down," Dinah shouted as she moved quickly from her bedroom to the bathroom, with a towel in her hands, and wearing the robe that Helena had given her when she first moved into the clock tower.  She never admitted it but she felt badly for the kid because when Dinah ran away and landed in New Gotham, her belongings were stolen, including the robe that Black Canary had given the Redmond's for when Dinah was older.  Helena smiled as Dinah crossed the hallway, snugly wrapped in Helena's robe.  It warmed her heart to know that Dinah really did appreciate Helena's gesture and for a moment, made her forget about her apprehension about being in the tower.

The nerves returned as Barbara came out of the kitchen with stacked plates sitting on her lap as she make her way to the table.  "Helena," Barbara said, mildly startled.  They locked eyes for a moment, Helena desperately trying to read the thoughts in Barbara's head.  What she would give to have Dinah's Meta human power just this once.  Barbara saw the redness brimming in Helena's eyes.  She knew Helena was crying earlier, she listened over the comms, and like now, decided not to say a word about it.  "I've made us lunch," she explained, handing Helena the plates.  "Set these up while I get the rest of the stuff," she said with little emotion.

Helena glanced around the room and saw the table completely covered with gadgets and circuits that Barbara was fiddling with.  "Set it up where?" she wanted to know and Barbara nodded in the direction of the coffee table.  Helena meekly smiled in acknowledgement and set up the plates and silverware carefully, trying to make it perfect.  She sat down on the couch and took a deep breath, hoping the nerves would calm down.  This was Barbara yet Helena felt as if she were in the presence of someone she had just been introduced to.  She hated the feeling but Barbara was calling the shots and setting the tone.  Helena had no option but to leave or comply, and she had lost enough as it was.  She opted to see it through, no matter how much it pained her soul.

A thunderous crash, followed by Barbara swearing came from the kitchen.  "Shit!" Barbara cursed, "What the hell was that doing up there?"  Helena burst in the room with lightning speed.  Broken plates and cups spilled across the floor along with the plant that once sat on the shelf above the sink.  The shelf supports broke and as the shelf toppled onto the cupboard, it sent everything else flying.

"Barbara!" she cried, "Are you okay?"  Barbara turned to face Helena and her eyes were blazing but Helena saw something else… pain.  Barbara was hurt.  She rushed over.  "What happened?"

"I was reaching up for the cups and the shelf gave way," she explained in mild disbelief.  Barbara winced as she turned, pulling her left arm instinctively closer to her chest for protection.  Helena moved in closer, still being cautious around her friend.  "Damn!" Barbara gritted her teeth, now feeling the pain in her arm even stronger.  She looked to Helena, silently asking for an explanation as she turned her chair.

"Shit!  You're bleeding, Barbara!" Helena was worried.  She grabbed a cloth and placed it over the wound on the back of Barbara's left shoulder.  Barbara automatically shrugged Helena off.

"I'll be fine, it's just a scratch," she lied, suddenly feeling like Helena on all those nights after sweeps.  Helena would come back battered and bruised and she'd let her pride get in her way.  _Just a scratch, she'd tell Barbara, followed by… "I can take care of myself, Helena," Barbara snapped, a little harsher than she had meant, this time.  She headed for her bedroom, leaving Helena concerned but helpless….and alone. _


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Helena watched as Barbara left the room, still wincing in pain from her injury.  A pang of loneliness stabbed Helena in the heart as Barbara shut her out.  She decided to at least be helpful and picked up a broom and began to clean up the mess.  Helena picked up the larger chunks of glass and as she did so, glanced down at the wounds on her own body.  The bleeding knuckles that Dr. Saramen examined, before Helena pulled away.  _What is it with us? She asked herself, wishing she had the answer.  She finished cleaning the glass and as she turned, Helena saw the knife carefully lying on the floor, sticky, red blood covering the shiny surface of the stainless steel blade.  _

A scream ripped through her head as she held the knife in her hands.  Helena recoiled, dropping the blade back onto the ground as the blood now drenched her hands.  She stared at them, and at the fallen knife and the screams continued to echo.  _You can't be dead!  You can't be!  She looked down at the ground and saw a body lying there.  Helena reached out and wrapped her in her arms, rocking back and forth.  __You have to be okay, you can't leave me, she cried.  Please don't leave me, she wept.  Helena opened her tear-filled eyes and looked at the woman in her arms and brushed the hair from her eyes lovingly.  The long hair cascaded over the woman's shoulders and as her face came into view, Helena froze in horror, snapping her from the memory that had her momentarily trapped._

It wasn't a memory, and Helena immediately panicked.  It was a premonition.  She flew out of the kitchen and burst into Barbara's room in time to see her struggling to remove her shirt so she could bandage her wound.  "Barbara!" she shouted and stopped short as she bust through the door and was taken aback.  Barbara gave her a puzzled look and Helena's eyes grew wide.  She shook her head and mouth opened to speak but she was too stunned to utter a word.  Barbara could see the look of shock come over Helena, followed by sheer terror.

"Helena?  What is it?" Barbara asked carefully, "Did something happen to Dinah?"  Helena quickly shook her head no.

"It wasn't my mom," she spoke softly, almost afraid to say the words aloud.  _She wasn't the victim._

"What?" Barbara was confused.  "Helena!" she said a little more sharply, "What's going on?"  Barbara pronounced each word slowly, deliberately.  Helena stared at her blankly and wiped the tears from her eyes.  Barbara wanted to let down her guard.  She stared at Helena and wanted to invite her to come in and sit down, to give her a hug but despite everything, she still could not bring herself to do it.  Helena slowly broke out of her daze and immediately felt foolish as Barbara eyed her intently.  Her stoic manner washed over her and she shook the memory from her mind.

"I just… I just had a vision," she murmured, not wanting to admit to what she had seen.  Although uninvited, Helena entered Barbara's room fully and walked over to her.  She reached for Barbara and was surprised to see her pull away defiantly.

"I don't need any help," Barbara spoke dangerously, offended that Helena had made the attempt.  Helena ignored her comment and reached for the neckline of Barbara's shirt.  "What are you doing?" Barbara turned sharply and a surge of pain travelled down her spine.  She sucked in her breath hard, fighting the nausea that followed the pain.  

Helena remained stoic.  "You were stabbed by that knife, weren't you?" she asked in a knowing tone.  "I know you were, I saw the blood…" Helena's voice trailed off as she looked at the blood on her hands; some Barbara's, some her own.  

"Helena, I'm fine.  Just leave me alone," Barbara spoke through clenched teeth, wishing the pain away.  Helena ignored her and ripped the shirt from the neckline to the center of her back, in one quick movement  "What are you doing?" Barbara screamed, angry at Helena's actions.  She flashed Barbara a look as her eyes turned from their normal blue to the unmistakable feline slits.

"You were stabbed by that knife," Helena spoke with conviction.  "And I'm going to take care of your wound for you, like you always did for me."  Barbara struggled and tried to dissuade Helena but to no avail.  The tables were turned and now Helena was doing for her what she had always done for Helena.

The ripped shirt hung loosely over the left shoulder, revealing her blood-soaked bra.  Helena reached for the strap but Barbara shook her off, annoying Helena for the interruption.  Cat eyes stared back at her with danger.  "Close the door," was all Barbara said.  It was the only reason she told Helena to stop.  Upon hearing this, she blinked her eyes and they returned their normal blue.  "I don't want Dinah to worry," she followed and Helena understood.  She closed the door and picked up the first aid kit, removing the items that she would need and laying them out on the bed. 

"Lean forward," she told Barbara and reluctantly she complied.  Helena undid the strap of Barbara's blood-red, bra.  Blood soaked through the fabric and trailed down her back.  Barbara winced as Helena peeled the bra away from the wound and she heard Helena gasp as she finally got a look at the injury.  Helena reached for the gauze and poured the antiseptic over the pad and didn't even flinch as the liquid penetrated the open wounds on her own knuckles.  Barbara gritted her teeth and prepared for the agony that was about to ensue.  Helena's stoic face now changed to sympathy as she placed the gauze directly on the wound and pressed lightly, allowing the liquid to seep into the gash.  Barbara half screamed, half grunted, trying to keep her voice down so that she wouldn't alarm Dinah; who was now out of the shower.

"I'm sorry," Helena frowned, knowing there was no way to patch Barbara up without hurting her worse.  She moved on from the wound and in a circular motion, began to wipe off the blood that dripped down her back while her right hand kept pressure on the injury to prevent further bleeding.  The immediate reaction from the antiseptic faded and the majority of the pain was behind her. But Barbara was tough; she had many cuts and bruises in her Batgirl days.  Oracle could handle it.

Helena didn't say a word as she cleaned the rest of the blood but her mind was in overload.  Seeing all of the blood on Barbara pained her.  She remembered being sixteen and hearing the sounds of her own screams as her mother died in her arms but now the memory took a direction that scared the hell out of Helena.  The face that once belonged to her mother now changed into Barbara.  It was Barbara she saw in her last vision.  She wanted to believe it was just misplaced fear, but something deep inside struck Helena.  She had cradled Barbara in her arms before.  She had done so right after she stopped Barbara from killing Harley; but the flash she had scared her.  It was too real.

"Are you done?" Barbara asked.

"What?  Oh… no, I was just thinking, sorry."  Helena stopped daydreaming and resumed cleansing the area.  Once clean, she removed the gauze covering the wound and took a good look.  It was fairly deep.  The knife had come straight down on Barbara with a great deal of force.  She shuddered as she realized that if Barbara had been leaning back, the knife would have stabbed her right in the heart.  "You're going to need a few stitches," she explained as she inspected the gash.

Barbara sighed.  She was a tough woman but she hated getting stitches.  It was sick enough when she had to sew everyone else up but to feel the needle piercing her own skin and pulling the two sides of the cut together, made her ill.  She figured her days as Oracle would put an end to such injuries.  She was sadly mistaken.  Barbara rested her head in her hands and thought about her current predicament.  She was still very angry at Helena and didn't really want her around but she obliged Dinah, who was desperate to see her 'sister'.  Barbara contemplated running from the situation as Huntress would have done but came to the conclusion that she could still maintain her anger while being patched up.  She couldn't help how she was feeling.  She couldn't let go of the fact that had it not been for Helena, Wade would still be alive.   Her blood began to boil but she repressed the urge to lash out at Huntress, to beat her down with her words.  Instead, Barbara bit her tongue and looked up to find Helena staring at her with such sad eyes.  Barbara turned away quickly, not wanting to see any emotion because she would feel forced to reciprocate.

Helena flinched at Barbara's reaction but at the same time, was happy that she was letting her help.  She could still see the anger burning in Barbara, she felt the anger emitting from her own soul as well.  Helena's self-hatred grew over the past few weeks, from the moment she opened up to Harley.  There was nothing she could do that would ever erase what had happened and apologizing seemed so trivial.  No.  She deserved the punishments, the hatred from Barbara, the guilt.  They were a part of her, and she deserved it.

"Are you ready?" Helena asked softly, showing the needle and thread.  Barbara took a deep breath but it did little to relax her.  

"I think I'd like to lie on the bed for this," she explained, leaving out the part about her feeling ready to faint at any moment.  She could handle broken bones, she'd experienced a few in her lifetime, but there was just something about getting stitches that bothered her.  It was the only thing that made her squeamish.  Of course she put on a brave face and would not allow a moment of weakness to show, even after being stabbed.  

She wheeled her chair over to the bed and removed what was left of her blood-soaked shirt.  Barbara was about to drop it on the floor but the blood hung heavily in the fabric and she knew the moment it hit the carpet, it would leave its reminder.  Seeing her dilemma of where to put the shirt, Helena reached out and took it from her mentor.  The soaked bra followed and Helena traded her for a towel that she still had in her hand from when she dried off Barbara's clean back.  Barbara held it over her chest and mumbled, "Thanks."  Helena let out a meek smile and threw the clothing in the garbage can on the side of the bed.

Barbara struggled to move from her chair to her bed but buckled the moment she put pressure on her left arm, causing her to almost fall out of her chair.  Helena reached out and caught her in time; and stabilized Barbara in her chair.  She could sense the helplessness that Barbara felt and remembered those times when she had felt that way.  She hated it.  Allowing Barbara to keep her independence, instead of picking Barbara up and moving her to the bed, she wanted to let her friend do it for herself.  Helena slipped her arm around Barbara's waist and with her right arm; Barbara pulled herself up and eased her way on the bed.  Barbara slid further back and Helena, with her free hand, lifted Barbara's legs in one scoop and carefully placed them on the bed as well.  

Helena picked up Barbara's towel that had fallen on the floor and spread it out on the comforter for protection.  The wound was starting to bleed from the pressure Barbara had just exerted on it.  She rolled over onto her stomach and rested her head on her folded arms.  She glanced at Helena who was now preparing the needle and felt a rush of nausea.  Helena knew it bothered her but again, she chose not to say a word.  She knew all too well the importance of maintaining that tough exterior; she was not about to break down the wall that Barbara was now constructing.  

"No pain killers?" Helena asked, knowing that Barbara was never one to take any sort of medication.  She preferred her self-healing techniques.  Helena glanced around and knew what she was missing.  She placed a clean pad of gauze over the cut and said, "I'll be right back."  She dashed out of the room, flipped over the railing and landed on the main floor of the clock tower and headed for the kitchen.

Helena returned moments later and placed an ice pack directly over the gauze.  Helena smiled inwardly at the help she was able to give Barbara, it was a far cry from forgiveness, but she had to start somewhere.  Chills raced up and down Barbara's back and when she began to shiver from the cold, Helena pulled the small blanket from the foot of the bed and carefully covered Barbara's naked back.

After about 5 minutes, she determined that the area was as frozen as it was going to get.  "Are you ready?" she asked Barbara, uneasy about the pain she was about to inflict.  She noticed Barbara was breathing slowly, eyes closed and Helena knew she was in a semi-meditative state.  She removed the ice pack and gauze, wiped her back one more time with the antiseptic and carefully sterilized the needle.  Helena pinched the open wound closed as best she could and began the daunting task of sewing up the gash.  She was as precise as she could be so that scaring would be minimal.  Barbara tensed her body as a few teardrops hit the towel she was laying on.  The pain was bearable, but the feeling of the needle going in and pulling the wound together was nauseating.  She tried her best to ignore it and focused on her anger instead.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Dinah paced back and forth, wondering what was taking Helena and Barbara so long.  She saw Helena flip over the railing and then jump back up but didn't say a word in passing.  She knew something was going on but from the look on Helena's face, she knew not to interrupt.  The kitchen was still a mess so Dinah decided to exercise her powers and see how much cleanup she could get done without actually lifting a finger.  She stared at the broom and willed it to move.  Slowly it swept up the glass as Dinah instructed it with her eyes.  Even with a black eye, she still was quite proficient with her powers.  As she watched the broom sweeping up the glass and remains of the plant, Dinah burst out laughing.  Flashbacks of Mickey Mouse in Fantasia crossed her mind; remembering all the mops and brooms sweeping across the floor with magic.

Once the kitchen was clean, Dinah put their lunch in the oven and turned it on low so it would be warm by the time Helena and Barbara were done with whatever it was they were doing.  She sat on the kitchen chair and held an ice pack over her tender eye while she waited.

***

Helena knotted the thread tightly and clipped the end with the scissors.  She inspected her job.  _Not bad_, she smiled. She pulled out the remaining items from the first aid kit that she needed.  As Barbara lay there silently, Helena spread a generous amount of ointment over the stitched area to prevent any infection.  She then placed several layers of gauze over the wound and secured it with tape.  "All finished," she said with a touch of pride in her voice.  Barbara rolled over onto her side; her face flushed.

"Can you hand me a shirt?" Barbara asked.  Helena pulled out an oversized, black t-shirt from the closet and handed it to Barbara.  She accepted it with a reluctant smile, slipped her right arm though the arm hole but gritted her teeth in pain as she tried to do the same with the left.  Helena rushed to help Barbara again.  She removed the shirt from Barbara's right arm and first slipped it over her injured left.  From there, she attempted to move the shirt to Barbara's right arm, but Barbara flinched and Helena ceased.  She had a better idea.  She moved back to the closet and dug around until she found what she was looking for.

"Plan B," Helena explained meekly.  She wrapped the shirt around Barbara's back and helped her ease her arms into the holes.  It was relatively painless this time.  Helena reached for the front of the shirt and began to slowly do up the buttons.  Barbara stared at her, wondering how long she could keep up with her original plan of tormenting Helena because of all Helena had put her through.  Barbara was beginning to crumble in her conviction but the moment Harley or Wade popped into her head, she was reminded of how angry she was.  Helena was reminded as well as she had come to expect the moment that anger would return.  She could see it festering in Barbara's mind and the look on her face.  

As the final buttons were fastened, Helena paused to look into Barbara's eyes but what she was desperately searching for; it was nowhere to be found.  Barbara stared back with emptiness and gave a slight nod, and said, "Thanks."  Helena nodded back in response.  

Barbara made a move towards her chair, and when she was nearing the edge of the bed, Helena once again scooped up her legs and placed them over the edge.  Barbara positioned herself so that she could slide into the chair but without her other arm, this method was impossible.  Helena stood in front of the chair and held out her arm.  Barbara pulled herself up and Helena once again slipped her arm around her waist, while still letting Barbara do most of the work.  Helena guided her in front of the seat and let go of her waist and Barbara let herself drop back into the chair; the jolt momentarily hurting her arm, but her pride remained intact.  

Instead of joining Barbara in the elevator, Helena flipped over the railing; but waited for her at the bottom and they entered the kitchen at the same time.

"Well it's about time!" Dinah said as she pulled the ice pack from her eye, letting Helena get a good look at her handiwork.  

"Dinah, I…" she paused and pointed to her eye, "How do you feel?" she asked instead of apologizing.  

"Much better," Dinah smiled, "It doesn't even hurt anymore."  Dinah winced as she poked at it to prove her point and Helena smiled at the foolishness.  "Don't laugh," Dinah threatened, "You'll be getting a lot of these from me soon enough."  She grinned smugly at Helena, trying to act tough.  Helena blew her off.

"Pfft!" Helena rolled her eyes, "The only thing I'll be getting from you in a fight, Dinah, is boredom.  Or your blood on my clothes."  Dinah rolled her eyes.  _We'll see about that, Huntress,_ she smiled to herself.

"Is lunch ready, Dinah?" Barbara changed the conversation.  Dinah said yes and promptly removed the pan from the oven.  

"Smells good," Helena smiled just as her stomach let out a loud rumble.  Dinah laughed at the timing and even Barbara cracked a smile, to which Helena caught.  _I miss your smile, Barbara,_ Helena made a mental note.  "What?" she asked, I'm always hungry!"  Dinah carried the tray over to the dining area where Helena has set up the plates earlier.  She placed the mini pizza's on each plate; pepperoni for Helena, Hawaiian for Barbara and vegetarian for herself.  Dinah was not a vegetarian, she just happened to like this pizza best.

Helena scooped her piece up and took several large bites while both Barbara and Dinah stared at her with disgust on their faces.  "What?" she asked again, mouth full.  "I told you I'm always hungry!"  The looked at one another, back and Helena and shuttered.  "Whatever," Helena rolled her eyes again.

They ate in silence but the moment they were done, Dinah asked what had happened in the kitchen.  Barbara was quick to explain.  "The shelf fell down and it sent a few things falling."  It wasn't a lie, the knife did go flying.  She just didn't tell Dinah that it flew into her.

"Well I saw some blood on the floor, did you get hurt?" she continued, trying not to show the worry in her voice.

Barbara shrugged her off.  "Just a scratch, Dinah, nothing to worry about."  She smiled at the young girl, insisting she was fine.  She gathered up the dirty plates and stacked them on her lap and headed for the kitchen.  Dinah grabbed the cups and pizza pan and since everything was gathered, Helena stretched out on the couch, exhaustion now catching up with her.

Dinah returned from the kitchen but Barbara insisted on hanging back and cleaning.  Instead of sitting on the other couch, Dinah sat on the one that Helena was lying on.  Helena raised an eyebrow at her.  "Yesss" she drawled as Dinah sat next to Helena's legs.  Dinah shrugged.

"Are you okay?" Dinah asked, resting her hand on Helena's knee.  Helena yanked away quickly and Dinah frowned, offended.  "I wasn't trying to read your mind," she looked down in sadness, upset from Helena's quick reaction.  Helena realized the sincerity and once again got comfortable.

"Sorry kid," she apologized.  "I'm fine," she lied.

Dinah's face dropped even more.  "I don't believe you," she responded softly, afraid to look at Helena.  Helena sat up and lifted Dinah's face with her index finger.

"I'm fine, Dinah," she lied yet again.  "Really.  I was out all night on sweeps and didn't sleep yet."  The story was somewhat true, and Dinah was buying it fully.  "I'm just really tired."  

"Oh!" Dinah exclaimed.  "Well then I'll leave you alone so you can sleep," she said but Helena caught her arm before she walked away.

"You don't have to leave," Helena said.  Truth was; she enjoyed having the kid nearby.  It helped ease some of the loneliness Helena was feeling but would not admit to.  "How is your eye, really?" she wanted to know.  

Dinah wanted to tell Helena that it was perfectly fine but felt it was better to tell the truth.  "It still hurts," she confessed, "But the ice really helps."  She could see the shame in Helena's eyes so she quickly tired to lighten the mood.  "It's already getting better.  Meta humans heal quick, right?" she asked.

Helena forced a smile.  "Yes, that's right.  We heal quick."  Her eyes began to droop and Dinah knew she was forcing herself to stay awake.  She decided to leave but Helena caught her arm again.  "Stay," she said, her eyes pleading.  Dinah wasn't used to seeing the vulnerability in Helena; The Huntress.  She sat back further in the couch and continued to rest her hand on Helena's legs, offering the only form of affection Helena would openly accept.  Helena closed her eyes and within moments, fell into a deep sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Dinah sat watching and pulled the blanket up over Helena as she slept.  She moved to the head of the couch and brushed the hair out of Helena's eyes; gently so that she would not wake her.  Helena looked so innocent.  Dinah stared at her and wondered how she could turn into someone so dangerous in the blink of an eye, literally.  Helena stirred slightly as Dinah touched her but did not wake up.  Dinah smiled and felt such a warmth come over her.  It was the first time she really saw Helena.  She saw the innocence, the childlike vulnerability and the pain that Helena kept trapped inside.  She felt a tremendous caring towards Huntress, a caring that went beyond hero-worship that she felt, until that very moment.  She fought the urge to use her mind-melding to read Helena's thoughts; to enter her dreamscape.

Barbara watched from the doorway as Dinah shared affectionate moments with an unsuspecting Helena.  Barbara remembered back to the days when she used to sit up, watching Helena, as she slept.  For the first year after Selina died, Helena had trouble sleeping and although Helena never knew it, Barbara spent countless hours just stroking her hair and soothing away the nightmares.  And now that the nightmares were back, Barbara had no desire to make the pain go away.  She felt guilty that Dinah was doing so, yet she could not muster up a single smile towards the sleeping beauty.  After all, Wade wasn't there to make her nightmares go away anymore, so why should Helena be so lucky.  She was the one responsible.  It tore her heart apart.  She wanted to express her feelings to Helena, but that side of her refused to open up.

After several minutes of watching Helena, Dinah retreated to her bedroom, grabbed her stuff and headed out the door.  In passing, she let Barbara know she had previously made plans with Gabby and went to meet her friend.  The moment she hit the outside air, Dinah slipped on a pair of sunglasses to hide her black eye.  It was almost noon so the sun was bright.  Even with the dark glasses, Dinah still squinted from her tender eye.

Helena moaned on the couch which startled Barbara.  She dropped the book she was holding when she jumped.  Helena moaned again.  Barbara approached her and noticed that she was in the midst of a nightmare.  Helena's eyes fluttered and she shifted uncomfortably on the couch.  Her face contorted slightly as the nightmare intensified and her eyes fluttered even faster.  Barbara slowly stretched out her hand, holding it in mid-air, wanting to make contact with Helena, trying to will herself to ease away the nightmares but she couldn't.  She froze in place, plagued by her own twisted emotions.  

"No," Helena mumbled with pain in her voice.  _You can't be dead!  Mom, can you hear me?  Mom, it's __Helena__!  Mom, wake up!  __Helena__ cradled the woman in her arms.  The night sky swallowed her whole, as she watched her mom bleed to death, before her very eyes.  Helena saw the knife hit the ground and as she looked up, she saw that familiar face.  The woman standing near the knife, __Helena__ knew her.  Her eyes widened.  What is she doing here?  Oh my God!  What is SHE doing here?!  And why is SHE  by the knife?  __Helena__ screamed in her dream, distraught by what she was seeing._

_She looked down at her mother in her arms and brushed the hair from her eyes as tears filled her own.  I love you, she said.  Please don't leave me.  Through teary eyes, __Helena__ stared at her mother and the blurry vision finally became clear.  Her mother was gone; she cradled someone else in her arms.  __Helena__ gasped for breath as she stared into the eyes of the dying woman._

"Barbara!" she shouted, ripping herself from her sleep, in a state of panic.  Barbara's hand was still hovering over Helena, still afraid to make contact.  The moment Helena screamed and woke up from the nightmare, Barbara yanked her hand away quickly, startled by Helena's cry.  She was wide-eyed and guilt ridden, but Helena didn't seem to notice.  "Barbara!" she shouted again and launched herself into Barbara's arms.

Barbara became a statue.  Helena's embrace stunned Barbara and she felt Helena's tiny, teardrops hit her bare arms.  But Barbara didn't return the embrace.  She didn't warm to Helena's touch.  She remained frozen and after several moments, Helena realized where she was, and what had happened, and slowly unwrapped herself from Barbara.  A wave of humiliation washed over her as she realized what she had done.

She met Barbara's eyes for a moment, but then looked away.  "I'm sorry," she apologized.  Barbara narrowed her eyes at her.  "Nightmare," Helena frowned.

"Yeah, I could tell," was all Barbara responded.  Her voice lacking the emotion she wished she could express.  Helena jumped up from the couch in a hurry.

"I have to see someone," Helena stressed, as anger now grew in her voice.  "Right now!" she snapped.  Barbara stared at her blankly, not really too concerned to ask.  With that, Helena rushed for the elevator and hit the down button over and over, until the doors finally closed.

Helena practically flew down the sidewalk as she ran.  I _can't believe I was so stupid, she screamed at herself.  _Fuck!  It was her all along!_  Helena ran faster and when she reached the building she sought after, she shoved aside the doorman and flew up the stairs.  Her anger was extreme; she couldn't wait the few seconds it took for the elevator to arrive._

She reached the floor she needed and ran down the hallway.  When she reached the door, she kicked it so hard that when it opened, it broke the hinges.  

"What the?" a man said as he jumped at the crashing door.  He stood to meet the intruder but with one sweep of her arm, Helena sent him flying into the wall, rendering him unconscious.  She didn't stop, she moved forward like a freight train.

"It was you!" Helena snarled.  She picked up her victim by the throat and slammed them against the wall, causing the picture frames behind to shatter as they hit the floor.  "You were there!" she screamed, her eyes now revealing her Meta human terror.

"Please," the victim begged, "Don't do this."  Tears of pain pooled in her victims eyes.  Helena stared dangerously into them, and showed just who was in charge.

"Please?  Please?!" Helena seethed.  "You DARE beg me after what you did!  You lied to me!  You were there, I saw you," Helena paused, "I dreamed you."  Momentary confusion washed over her as she stared into the eyes of her prey.  She saw something familiar, but only for a moment.  Helena blinked the confusion away and when she once again got a clear picture of her prey, threw the person across the room and into another wall.  

Battered and broken, yet not defeated.  Her prey stood up, carefully, painfully, to face the attacker.  Helena recognized the challenge, and was more than willing to oblige.  She vaulted over the desk and landed squarely in front and grabbed for the throat, as most cats do when they want to subdue their prey.  She pressed up against her victim, using her body to pin them against the wall, along with her hand, choking the throat.  Helena smiled as she saw the pain and fear looking back at her.  And then something happened that she didn't expect.  Her victim reached out and hugged Helena.   

Helena squeezed tighter and despite the terror, so did her victim.  Helena eased up, confusion plaguing her and she backed away.  "What the hell is wrong with you?" she snapped, demanding an answer.

The voice was quiet, but Helena got a response.  "I could never hurt you Helena, I told you that."  Helena formed a fist and drove it through the wall.  Bits of plaster and dust clung to her bleeding knuckles.

Helena looked at her prey incredulously. "Fuck!" she roared, slamming her fist in the wall again, mere inches from the victim's face.  She let go, spun around and kicked the chair that was in her path.  It smashed against the window, shattering it in a million, tiny shards.  She paced back and forth, unsure of her next move.  Helena hated her confusion.  She wanted to attack, but something stopped her and she couldn't figure out what.  She spun around to see her victim crawling across the floor and reaching up for a chair.

Helena walked back over and yanked the person up.  "Why are you not afraid of me?" she demanded to know.  This reaction was new to her… and she didn't like it.  She stared intently but didn't find the answers she sought.  Helena stormed out of the office, anger and confusion seeping from every pour of her body.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"Oracle?  Are you there?" Helena asked over her comms, as she stood on the rooftop.  "Oracle?"

Barbara paused for a moment, not wanting to respond to the call, but a sense of duty over-road her emotions.  "I copy, Huntress, go ahead."

Helena paced the ledge dangerously, still reeling from the adrenaline coursing through her system.  "I need you to do a background check," she explained as she balanced, almost daring herself to step over, to the 10 story drop.

Barbara typed on her keyboard and after a moment said, "Okay.  Delphi's up."

Helena continued, "I need you to do a complete background check on…" she stopped in mid-sentence and jumped down from the ledge, surprised to see that she wasn't alone.  She switched off her transceiver.

"A background check on who?" Barbara repeated.  "Huntress?"  No response.  "Huntress, do you copy?"  Barbara ripped the headset from her head and slammed it on the desk.  _Dammit_, ___Helena__!_

"What are you doing here?" Helena snarled as she approached the woman before her.

"I come up here every day," Dr. Saramen responded, smiling at Helena.  "It's the one place I can look over the entire city and no one disturbs me."  Helena opened her mouth to speak but realized she didn't have anything to say.  Dr. Saramen smiled warmly.  "You don't have to say anything, Helena," she spoke softly, calmly.  Helena felt it to be strangely soothing.  She reached out for Helena's hand and carefully examined her knuckles, then looked her dead in the eyes.  "So, just as one hand begins to heal, you insist on damaging the other?" her voice was hypnotic.  "Helena," she sighed, "The anger management sessions are going to go on well into your 80's if you keep this up."

Helena pulled her hand way, but slowly.  She wanted to yank it away, she felt the urge the moment Dr. Saramen touched her, yet she was unable to her.  There was something in her voice… in her eyes…  "Why were you there?" Helena broke her silence.

"Why was I where, Helena?"  

_I wish she would stop saying my name like that, _Helena thought, almost forgetting what she wanted to say.  She shook the fuzziness from her head.  "I saw you.  When my mom died, you were standing by the knife," she said, a dead stare into Dr. Saramen's eyes.  "Why were you there?" she asked with mild threat.

The doctor smiled again, and started to walk away.  "It was just a dream, Helena," she said as she turned her back.  Helena spun her back around.

"NO!" she demanded, "I SAW you there, I could feel it."  She wasn't feeling as confident any longer.  She'd beaten Dr. Saramen up and trashed her office less than 20 minutes earlier yet she could barely remember why she had felt such anger.  "You were there," she continued, feeling even more unsure of herself.  It's the eyes…

"Helena," she began, "I'm here to help you.  It was just a dream."  She reached for Helena's hand and escorted her over to the ledge and they both sat down.  "Tell me about this dream," she said calmly, curious.

Helena looked over at the doctor, still holding her hand and gently tracing the wounds from her incident earlier that morning.  Helena watched her actions yet it didn't register just what was happening.  She felt hypnotized, almost… mesmerized. _What is happening to me?_ She wanted to know.  "I was there when my mom died," she said sadly.  "When she was killed."

Helena paused and took a deep, cleansing breath.  "We were just out for a walk one evening and a man ran up to her and stabbed her.  I didn't even know what was happening until she collapsed on the ground and I saw the knife, covered in blood."  Helena tried to shake the memory from her mind for years but couldn't.  It was a part of her and she knew it would plague her for a lifetime.

"Helena?" Dr. Saramen spoke, "Is this what you dreamed or what actually happened?"

She paused for a moment.  "This happened," she explained, a touch confused at the question.  She pulled the keychain out of her pocket and held it tightly in her hand for comfort. 

"I want you to tell me about the dream, Helena.  Not what happened when you were sixteen."  She stressed her point.  "Tell me about the dream you had today."

Helena thought for a moment.  "It was like the others, I saw my mom die," she said.

"Are you sure?" the doctor prodded, "You said I was there."

"Yes," Helena mentioned.

"Is there anything else that's different?" she continued.  Helena thought for a few moments and started to flashback on her nightmare before she woke up screaming and reaching for…

"Barbara!" Helena snapped to attention.  Her eyes were saucers as she turned to face Dr. Saramen.  "Barbara was there!" she said with a sense of panic.  Helena jumped up and stood in front of the woman.  "Why was Barbara there?" she wondered, her urgency obvious.  She looked at the doctor desperately, hoping she would have an answer.

Dr. Saramen didn't respond to the question.  Instead, she instructed Helena to follow her gut instincts.  Suddenly she had a feeling Barbara was in trouble.  She turned on her comms and out of listening distance from the doctor, said, "Oracle? Do you copy?" she paused.  "Oracle, it's Huntress, can you hear me?"  There was no response.  She tried for several minutes but to no avail.  Helena took off running and jumped to the next roof over, and made her way across the city, leaving Dr. Saramen stare in awe as the Huntress sailed from roof to roof, in search of her friend.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Helena made her way up the elevator to the clock tower, pacing back and forth, like a caged animal, wanting to be freed.  The moment the doors opened she ran out and headed right for Delphi and to her surprise, smack into Barbara.  

"Helena!" she exclaimed as Helena ran right into her chair as she was rounding the corner.  The impact sent Helena tumbling over the chair and landing hard, against the doorway.

Helena stood up slowly, dazed and wounded.  She looked at the cut on her arm; just a small wound.  "What's gotten into you?" Barbara snapped, angry Helena's carelessness.

She dusted off her clothes and said, "Nothing… I thought…" she didn't want to finish her sentence.

"You thought what?" Barbara pressed.

"I tried to reach you on comms and when you didn't answer, I thought…" Helena lost confidence in her speech.

Barbara was angry.  "Well next time think maybe I'm in the shower before you come in here and nearly kill me!" she screamed while holding her injured arm that Helena had bumped.

Helena's eyes flared.  Her catlike stare now burning into Barbara, studying her.  She couldn't take it any longer.  Helena finally let go of all the emotions that had been building over the past few weeks.  "Why don't you just say what's on your mind, Barbara!" she snapped, daring her partner.

Barbara accepted the challenge.  "Your recklessness got Wade killed!" she blurted out, shocked that she finally said the words.  "You…" she broke off, shaking her head.

"I what?  Say it, Barbara!  You don't think I haven't noticed how much you hate me?" she screamed, tears now forming.  "I can see it in your eyes every time you look at me, Barbara."  Helena used her sleeve to wipe the tears.  "I've tried to be what you wanted me to be but I CAN'T!  I'm not you!"

"You don't have to be me!" Barbara retorted.  "But Christ, Helena, you NEVER think before you act and because of you…"

"Right!  Because of me, Wade is dead.  Don't you think I know that?  Don't you think it kills me to wake up every day knowing this?"  Helena folded her arms in defiance.  "I screwed up.  And I can't bring him back.  And it kills me knowing how much I hurt you."  She reached out to take Barbara's hand but found herself being slapped away.

"Don't!" Barbara warned, her aggression raging within her.

Helena crouched down in front of the chair, and looked up at Barbara.  "I'm so sorry, Barbara," she said as tears streamed down her face.  "I thought I was doing the right thing," her voice softened.  "I finally opened up to someone who was there to help me, and look what happened.  My weakness got Wade killed," she paused.  " I'm so sorry."  Helena continued to stare at Barbara, who refused to meet her eyes.  Helena desperately wanted forgiveness but there was no way she was going to ask for it.  She deserved the torment, she deserved all Barbara was putting her through, because she was also doing it to herself.  Helena punished herself for trusting someone.  It was an act that was very difficult for her to do, to reach out to someone, and this only validated her reasons why she shouldn't.

Barbara backed up her chair and widened the distance between herself and Helena.  "I can't even look at you right now," she said, honestly.  It broke Helena's heart, and it broke her own, saying this.

Helena stood up tall.  "I can't be you, Barbara," she insisted.  "I MAKE mistakes."

This enraged Barbara.  "I make mistakes too, Helena!  The difference is, my recklessness doesn't get anyone killed!" she sneered.  And then she gasped.  Her mouth dropped and she realized what she had just said; remembering the encounter with Lady Shiva.  How she destroyed the building and the life of Shiva's younger sister.

Helena was on the verge of a breakdown and she didn't want any witnesses.  She ran for the elevator was shocked to see Dinah standing there, watching her.  Helena stopped short and they locked eyes for a moment.  Dinah had heard it all.  Innocent Dinah, now knew just how horrible Helena really was, or so Helena thought.  She pushed passed the kid and let the elevator take her away, where no one could see her.

Dinah walked over to Barbara who was lost in thought.  "Barbara?" she asked carefully.

"Oh my God!" she said, almost inaudible.  She looked over at Dinah and tried her best to smile.  "I need my transponder," was all that she said.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Helena wandered the city with no clear destination in mind.  She finally had it out with Barbara and it pained her, knowing that things would never again be the same between them.  She killed someone Barbara loved and there was no apology for that.  No way that she could ever take that pain away; to bring him back.  She took the keychain out of her pocket and read the words again.  _A mother's love never dies.  Helena took the words to heart but in frustration and disappointment, threw the tiny heart, smashing it against the nearest building.  She looked up at the heavens and thought, _I'm sorry I've disappointed you mom.__

***

Barbara worked for over an hour, preparing the transponder.  When Harley had thrown her against the railing, the electronics were damaged but they were minor.  The evening sky settled and Barbara was finally ready.  Dinah helped her attach the device and Barbara strapped it tightly around her waist.

Cautiously, she rose from her chair.  Dinah assisted her until Barbara could maintain her own balance.  "Are you going to find Helena?" Dinah asked softly.  She hadn't said much since the fight.  She was terrified, watching her new family fall apart.

"Yes," was all that she responded.  She saw Dinah following close behind.  "And I'm going alone, Dinah," she turned around, eyeing the young girl.  Dinah grumbled and then planted herself in front of the Delphi monitor.  Barbara rode the elevator down and once out of the building, followed the small signal on the hand-held device she carried.  The tiny signal indicated Helena's location.  Barbara had to find her.  She had to talk to her.

***

"Somebody stop him!" a woman shouted as she spotted a thug in the distance, beating on an elderly man.  "Somebody stop him!" she screamed again.  The thug pulled out a knife and ran for the woman but was surprised to find another woman, jumping him, knocking him off-balance.  He lashed out with his knife and made contact, the knife plunging deep below the ribcage.  She cried as the knife entered her body, violent pain engulfing her.

Helena turned quickly toward the chaos.  A roundhouse kick sent the thug flying across the sidewalk.  He stood up from the wet sidewalk he fell on, knife still in hand.  Helena looked at her feet, seeing the woman that he had attacked.  Her mother's face flashed in her mind and her heart skipped a beat.  _Mom?_ She wondered.  She wondered if she were dreaming again. 

The knife dropped to the ground and standing above it, Helena saw a familiar face.  Her own face scrunched in confusion.  _What is happening?_ She wanted to know.

"He killed her!" someone yelled, snapping Helena out of her trance.  

She bent down to the woman before her and pulled her in her arms.  Helena brushed the hair out of the woman's eyes as the blood soaked her hands.  Selina flashed in her mind as she stared at the woman she cradled in her arms.  The familiar blood, the knife, she was reliving the moment her mother died, but this was no dream.

Her clouded vision cleared and Helena nearly passed out when she saw who she was cradling.  "Barbara!" she cried.  "Oh my god!  It's Barbara!" she sobbed and hugged her tighter.  Helena wallowed like a small child.  "Barbara, Nooooo!" she cried.  "Stop him!  Someone stop him!" she shouted, pointing to the thug, running from the scene.

Helena's tears fell heavily on Barbara.  Helena leaned over to kiss her gently and to her shock, Barbara stirred.  "Barbara!" she exclaimed, "Barbara!  I'm so sorry!" she kissed her forehead.  "Please forgive me, I'm so sorry," she continued to cry.

Barbara reached up and cupped Helena's cheek.  Her eyes were fading, her wounds severe.  She lovingly stroked her cheek and softly spoke the words Helena was longing to hear.  "I love you, Helena."  

Her hand fell and she slipped away.  Helena tried to wake her up but she wouldn't.  "Someone call and ambulance!" she screamed and through the commotion, heard one bystander say that one was on the way.  

Barbara's breathing was shallow, but she regained consciousness.  "You can't die!" Helena begged.  "Please don't leave me.  I'm so sorry for what I did to you.  Please…" she continued but Barbara cut her off.

"Helena," she said quietly.  Helena leaned in so she could hear her better.  "Helena," she smiled again.  "I forgive you, and I'm so sorry.  It wasn't your fault."  Helena opened her mouth in protest but Barbara placed her fingers on Helena's lips, keeping her from speaking.  "I came out her to tell you I was sorry."

"Sorry?" Helena was confused.  "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes, I do.  I blamed you but the truth is, I was afraid."  Barbara coughed and tiny bits of blood covered her lips.  Helena brushed it away.  Coughing blood, not a good sign.  Helena tried to hide her expression but she knew that meant that Barbara's lung had been punctured.  "I was upset about Wade," she continued, "But what scared me most is the thought that I might lose you."

Helena was covered in chills.  "What?" she sobbed, not sure if she heard correctly.

"When Wade died, all I could think about is what I would do if I lost you, Helena."  Barbara stopped speaking for a moment, she was too overcome with emotion, as was Helena. 

"Is that why you were pushing me away?" Helena whispered.  "I thought you hated me."  Tears continued to stream down her face.

"I could never hate you, Helena."  She found the strength to touch Helena's cheek yet again.  "It wasn't your fault," she said as Helena looked away.  Barbara pulled her face so that they were looking eye to eye and stressed, "It WASN'T your fault."

The ambulance arrived and as it was pulling up, Helena once again saw the familiar face, standing over the knife and smiling.  She shook the vision from her mind, but it would not go away.  

The ambulance attendants carefully placed Barbara on the gurney and put her inside the vehicle.  Helena jumped in with her and as they drove off, she glanced out the window and in the distance, that familiar face stood, smiling warmly, and then disappeared.

Goosebumps raced across her skin. Helena blinked a few times, but the face had just vanished into thin air.

"She's got something in her hand," one of the attendants spoke, distracting Helena from her thoughts.  She moved closer as he unfolded Barbara's fingers.  He looked at what she was holding.  "Interesting," he commented, and turned to Helena.  "Would you like to hold onto her belongings for her?" he asked, handing over the item.

Helena reached out her hand and there he placed a tiny heart keychain with the inscription, _A Mother's Love Never Dies._

***

Dinah and Helena sat in the Emergency Room waiting.  When the doctor finally emerged, he informed them that Barbara would be just fine but she needed to remain in the hospital for several days.  The girls hugged one another tightly, thankful that Barbara was okay.

Helena pulled out of the embrace and said, "I'll be back, Dinah, I have to go somewhere."  Dinah reached out and gripped Helena's hand, allowing her mind to meld with Helena's.  A flash of a woman's face was smiling at Helena.  The smile full of love, of caring and compassion.  Dinah let go quickly and didn't say a word as Helena walked away.  She didn't know what to say.  Her vision confused her, but at the same time, she felt comforted.

***

Helena held the keychain tightly in her hand as she entered the building.  She walked up to the familiar office that she had destroyed just one day earlier and what she saw made her collapse to her knees.  Where there was supposed to be an office, she found a stairwell.  "What?" she looked at it in confusion.  She glanced around, thinking she had the wrong floor but there was no mistake.  

She stepped into the stairwell and disbelief swallowed her.  "What's going on?" she whispered, troubled.  She walked over to the window and looked out at the morning sky.  A light breeze passed over her, yet the window was closed.  Helena suddenly felt a sense of love, of peace.  She looked out at the sunrise and watched as a tear fell from her eye, hitting the windowsill below.  She looked where it landed, and once again, fell to her knees.

Helena sat quietly for several moments, staring blankly, unsure of what she should believe.  It was too incredible, and yet…

Helena smiled warmly and walked out of the stairwell, not looking back.  As she stepped into the hallway, another light breeze passed by the closed window, blowing away the words written in the dust on the sill.  Blowing away the words that read, _A Mother's Love Never Dies._


End file.
